Wicked Wednesday #6 Wanted…

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There are so many adverts out there for so many different products, and yes, also for sex and sex products. Do you have a sexy, weird, funny or horror story to tell about adverts for anything sex-related? Come on, share your experiences!

These are examples of some noticeboard/diary messages from a website I have been observing for some time now. It is, as is glaringly obvious, a website for advertising for sexual partners.

The few messages I have picked are quite crude, abrupt and to the point. They are men who just want a fuck.  As a woman, you only get to see the male messages. But I assume there are equally blunt messages from women too.

This is just a example of some of the messages I have seen and not all are like these few – far from it. There are messages of varying degrees of coherence, content and from a  broad range of backgrounds and age groups But, undoubtedly, a good cross section of the male population. And, of course, they can send individual messages to others on the site as well.  I find myself weirdly fascinated by these public messages and by the different approaches in how people advertise for a sexual partner.

I am not criticising these men for their chosen way of satisfying their urges. We all think differently and want different experiences. Having a connection and chemistry with someone is of great importance to me and I would like to know something about the person I am going to have sex with. I wouldn’t be comfortable advertising for a sexual partner so bluntly, nor would I ever respond to something like this. No matter how much I wanted a Friday night shag.

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Food For Thought Friday: No Strings Sex

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This is the first time that I have taken part in Food for Thought Friday and this is a good week to start, as the subject matter is one that is quite topical for me at present…

Is it possible to have a long-term ‘no strings’ sexual relationship?

I have blogged before about the fact that I am married, but the sex in my marriage gradually died out and is now non-existent. I did raise the subject with my husband earlier this year, but he made it clear that he is not interested in sex for various reasons. He agreed that if I felt the need to be sexually satisfied, then I should go ahead and seek other sexual partners.  I have no wish to enter into a full-blown emotional relationship with another man, and my mindset is very much that it is purely for sex.  I have come to understand that we cannot expect to get all of our needs in life met by just one person.

However, I would not have sex with someone just for the sake of having sex – I do think a spark, some chemistry or a connection of some kind is essential, so that you actually want to have get naked and have sex with this person. Apart from one drunken encounter on a Greek island 25 years ago, I’ve never been interested in one night stands after the pubs shut. I want to feel desired for who I am and have an enjoyable experience, not just a quick fumble and fuck.

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I have had a couple of experiences over the last few months, which I  hoped would turn into long-term, occasional sexual relationships. The first one was with anti-condom man. He seemed an ok guy, but when I discovered his irresponsible attitude to safe sex, it was never going to go any further. He was very formal and a bit uptight, so I didn’t feel like I could really be myself in his company. I couldn’t have envisaged laughing uproariously and making innuendos like I normally would. It was nice to be naked and intimate with someone, but there was no connection between us.  So when it fizzled out, I wasn’t particularly bothered. It was a good first experience of no-strings sex, as I felt no emotion or sense of loss.

The second one was a bit of a different character altogether. We had been messaging for four months before me met. I did enjoy exchanging messages as he was very interesting and intelligent and I felt we developed quite a good friendship through those messages, but I was starting to think that he really only wanted a penfriend. To cut a long story short, we did have sex on the third occasion that we met. He was very passionate and I felt comfortable with him and felt we could have an ongoing friendship too. However, his attitude towards me changed after that day.  He reckoned he felt guilty and talked about how he was a very emotional person. I am somewhat sceptical to be honest given some of the things he previously said, but if he is speaking the truth then he can’t obviously handle the emotional side of no-strings sex. He knew exactly what he was doing and it was not for the first time either. My only feelings were ones of annoyance at him blowing hot and cold and a bit of sadness for loss of what I thought was a decent friendship.

So, although my experiences have been short-term so far,  I do believe that it is possible to have a long-term, no-strings sexual relationship with someone. It’s just finding the right person(s) with whom you have the right chemistry and a similar mindset! But, of course, feelings are unpredictable and I suppose it would be possible to develop emotional feelings, but if you don’t try the experience, you will never find out how you fare in this type of situation.  And as I don’t plan to be celibate for the rest of my life, I intend to continue to enjoy finding out!

See how other people answered here on the Food for Thought Friday blog

 

Assumptions on safe sex

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Safe sex is a phrase that is commonplace these days and something that most people who have sex, or are thinking of having sex, or wishing they were having sex know the meaning of and understand. Or perhaps not. Or maybe they think it’s not that important and  contracting an STI is something that only happens to other people. I don’t want to play Russian roulette with my health, so I would never consider having sex with a new partner without using condoms. Especially in the domain of non-mongamous relationships.

I recently met a man whom I got on well with, and who seemed very taken with me. He is a decent, mature,respectable and seemingly sensible person, who is in a prominent position of  work. We exchanged several messages.  We met for coffee. A couple of weeks later, we met for lunch. Then a dinner date. It was an unspoken fact that we would return to his nearby flat after this third meeting.. Wanting to be prepared, I had my own condoms in my bag. Just in case. As I did not assume that he would have his own supply, although I would have been surprised if he hadn’t. And, of course,it went without saying  that he would practise safe sex.Or so I thought.

I learned that night not to assume anything. Without warning and very suddenly, he decided to try to penetrate me without a condom. I stopped him from doing so the second I realised what was happening. I said, very clearly, ‘not without a condom’. My intervention seemed to deflate matters at that moment but, later on,  he did rubber up, from his own supply, and without question.  I put his faux-pas down to over-excitement in the heat of the moment, and didn’t make an issue of it.

We met again, two weeks later, for a dinner date at his flat. Again, I went prepared. And there would be no repeat of the previous indiscretion, as I had made my feelings quite clear. How wrong I was. The same thing happened again. And I realised  that it was a deliberate act and not to be blamed on over-excitement. Again, I repeated, ‘not without a condom’. This time, he resisted. ‘Just for a bit – I like skin-on-skin contact‘, was the reply. ‘NO’, I assertively told him. I asked what his aversion was to using condoms. He replied that it was the reduced sensations and losing the moment when putting them on.. I ended up lecturing him on STIs and how you can’t tell by looking whether people have any nasty diseases etc. The kind of thing you might have to explain to a naive teenager.  He remained blasé about it and I was, very subtly, made to feel like I was over-reacting and being way too cautious. He never asked about my sexual history or whether I was using any form of female contraception (I am), so for all he knew there might have been a possibility of me getting pregnant, had I let him continue.   I knew that he had been sexually active during the last few months, so it was ultra-important to me that we used protection. I was left feeling annoyed and  disappointed in his attitude and the night was definitely spoiled. Needless to say, I haven’t heard from him since. Nor do I want to.

I am still amazed how a very intelligent man can show so much naivety and disregard for practising safe sex. The more I think about it, the more annoyed I get that he thought he could try ‘bareback’ again, despite me not consenting previously. I am particularly cross with myself for making assumptions, but I have learned a lesson from this in that not all men are going to adopt  a sensible approach to safe sex.  In future, condoms will be bluntly discussed at the coffee stage, and not on reaching the bedroom.

I am interested to hear others’ thoughts on this subject.