My Special Friend

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This prompt is another suggestion of the lovely Charlie Powell of Sex Blog of Sorts: Friend.

Do you have a special friend? One, more? How did you become friends? How do you classify friendship? Did you have friendships that ended? Why? How did the end of the friendship affect you? Or maybe you have a friend with benefits? Tell us more about that?

I have made no secret, here on this blog, of my search for a ‘friend with benefits’. The background to  this can be found here.

Earlier this year, I met a very lovely man, who is in a similar position to me. We met onlne, as is the norm these days. I had actually rejected his advances for a few months, but his persistence in pursuing me eventually paid off and I agreed to meet him for a coffee.  We subsequently agreed to meet again a few days later at a hotel.

I was incredibly nervous at that second meeting and he attempted to relax me with a sensuous tantric massage. It worked and I eventually started to loosen up enjoy the feel of his hands on my body. I  gave him a blowjob. And from that day things have gone from strength to strength. We usually meet at a hotel once a week but also enjoy each others’ company beyond the bedroom.  We meet for coffee, go for lunch, go away overnight occasionally, speak by phone when we can and exchange several messages each day. Plus other misadventures… We also help each other in our respective work lives as our skills complement each other.

He is very affectionate and tactile, which is very important to me as I love cuddling, fondling and kissing.He loves my boobs and can’t get enough of them. We have similar interests and I have learned a lot about tantric sex and how to give a slow and sensuous lingam massage. Early on in our relationship, we talked about unfulfilled fantasies and sexual experiences, and was very encouraging in this respect. He is keen to watch me with other people and to see the effects of one of my lingam massages…  That is not a request for volunteers…

I  didn’t expect that a friendship of this type could be as loving and caring. I have never felt uncomfortable in his presence and generally feel I can talk to him about most things. He definitely knows more about me than anyone else. I don’t think the terms ‘friend with benefits’ or ‘fuckbuddy’ are really appropriate to describe our relationship. I think the term ‘lover’ is a more accurate description.  It’s not perfect; there is the occasional thing that frustrates me about our arrangement.  And the nature of it means that what  we would like to do  doesn’t always go ahead. But, on balalance, things are pretty good. He knows that I won’t tolerate any bullshit or being messed around. He frequently tells me he feels lucky to have me, and my reply is always to agree that he is very lucky indeed!

He does make me happy and I feel blessed to have him in my life.

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Wicked Wednesday #8: Getting Older

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It starts on the day we are born – we grow older. For roughly the first twenty years of our lives we never think about our age. Maybe some people don’t think about it for the first thirty years. But there comes a time when you do think about growing older. Are you at that point yet? How long have you thought about getting older? How old are you? Do you regret getting older? Why or why not? Come on, talk to us about age, your age! 

 

Getting older is something that I frequently think about. I am 48 and often dwell on the worry that I have not made the most of my life so far. Although I have done many things in my life, I frequently think about missed opportunities and wish I had made different decisions. Life for me, was supposed to start at 40, but fate had some nasty surprises in store and things went pear-shaped in a big way. However, most of the bad luck relates to work, family, health and friendship and as this is a sex-related meme, I shall concentrate on that theme.

I met my husband when I was 29 and prior to that had had a number of sexual partners, but I would not particularly rate any of them as being outstanding or particularly memorable. Apart from the first one, the rest were all about the guys and their selfish pleasure. I wouldn’t have had the confidence at that age to have questioned it – that’s how it was, sex was mainly about the man.  I have blogged before about my sexual relationship with my husband, so will not repeat the details again, but have linked it here if you wish to read further. But to sum up, at the age of 46, I genuinely believed that I would never have sex again, and had resigned myself to that fate. I felt fat, unattractive and undesirable. Then I discovered the dark side of Twitter and the dream of being sexually attractive and desirable became real. Some other adventures subsequently happened and I started this blog – none of which would have occurred without Twitter.

I feel more sexually confident than I have ever done before, even though I have put on weight. But that confidence still needs to grow and be enhanced through further experiences. I now know what I want and what I don’t want sexually; which I guess is one of the advantages of getting older.  But finding what I want is not proving to be a quick process and I do worry that time may not be on my side. I feel that my window of opportunity is a very limited one. Although I do often feel sexy and desirable, I realise that my age may dictate that this could disappear any time soon.  I know age is only a number, but our bodies usually say one thing, while our minds say another!  I have only just rediscovered sex and I don’t want to lose it again so soon!

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Wicked Wednesday #5: Condoms

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For me, as a woman who has recently started having the occasional sexual encounter again as a part of a journey into a non-monogamous relationship , the use of condoms is non-negotiable.  I was a little naive initially. as I assumed that anyone having sex outside of a committed and monogamous relationship would use a condom without question. Sadly, I have found that is not the case and I am frequently surprised at the amount of men I talk to through various websites and social media that think using a condom is unimportant.

I wrote a blog post a while ago about the man who decided he was going to try and have sex with me without a condom. I made the assumption that he would have some condoms and would use one automatically, but I had some in my bag, just in case . He did have some in his bedside drawer,  but he had decided, without asking me, that they weren’t necessary.  I was annoyed with him, but put it down to over-excitement and nerves on his part. However, on the next occasion, he tried again to penetrate me without a condom, knowing I had not consented opreviously. I was furious, gave him a lecture on safe sex and that was the end of that friendship. He has a 14 year old son and i sincerely hope that he has been educated to treat women with more respect.   The full post is here if anyone wants to read more.

With the next man I met, I raised the issue of using condoms well beforehand, but was astounded  to hear him say that he didn’t object, but if the friendship lasted, then perhaps we could dispense with the use of condoms in the future. This is a man who had fanciful ideas of more than one friend with benefits.

Other priceless comments have included:

‘I suppose we’ll have to use condoms….’

‘I don’t like wearing condoms, it spoils my enjoyment’.

‘I knew she was ok, as she told me that she hadn’t had sex with anyone in the last few years’

‘Will we have to use condoms?’

I recall an incident back in my early twenties, when I had a short-term relationship with a man of 35. He was a local businessman and quite arrogant. His behaviour on being asked to wear a condom was tantamount to a toddler’s tantrum. After complaining bitterly about it, he reluctantly agreed and then spent the rest of that evening sulking and saying he hadn’t felt a thing due to the condom.

I really don’t understand why some people are prepared to risk not only their own health, but the health of their partners too. The usual argument is that it reduces the sensation. If that is the case, surely that’s better than potentially catching or passing on an STI that could have devastating consequences for you and others.

I realise that no method is 100% safe, and I have had experienced a couple of occasions, back in my twenties when condoms came off. This meant a trip to the local A&E to try and get the morning after pill.  On another occasion, one vanished and slipped out several hours later.

I have had sex, without condoms, with a few partners pre-marriage. These were committed relationships and I was taking the pill at the time.  Sex is fantastic when you don’t have to think about condoms and can act spontaneously. However, in the world of more casual encounters and multiple partners, I don’t see how not using condoms can ever be right. And I will not be changing my principles to accommodate sulky men.

 

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Food For Thought Friday: No Strings Sex

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This is the first time that I have taken part in Food for Thought Friday and this is a good week to start, as the subject matter is one that is quite topical for me at present…

Is it possible to have a long-term ‘no strings’ sexual relationship?

I have blogged before about the fact that I am married, but the sex in my marriage gradually died out and is now non-existent. I did raise the subject with my husband earlier this year, but he made it clear that he is not interested in sex for various reasons. He agreed that if I felt the need to be sexually satisfied, then I should go ahead and seek other sexual partners.  I have no wish to enter into a full-blown emotional relationship with another man, and my mindset is very much that it is purely for sex.  I have come to understand that we cannot expect to get all of our needs in life met by just one person.

However, I would not have sex with someone just for the sake of having sex – I do think a spark, some chemistry or a connection of some kind is essential, so that you actually want to have get naked and have sex with this person. Apart from one drunken encounter on a Greek island 25 years ago, I’ve never been interested in one night stands after the pubs shut. I want to feel desired for who I am and have an enjoyable experience, not just a quick fumble and fuck.

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I have had a couple of experiences over the last few months, which I  hoped would turn into long-term, occasional sexual relationships. The first one was with anti-condom man. He seemed an ok guy, but when I discovered his irresponsible attitude to safe sex, it was never going to go any further. He was very formal and a bit uptight, so I didn’t feel like I could really be myself in his company. I couldn’t have envisaged laughing uproariously and making innuendos like I normally would. It was nice to be naked and intimate with someone, but there was no connection between us.  So when it fizzled out, I wasn’t particularly bothered. It was a good first experience of no-strings sex, as I felt no emotion or sense of loss.

The second one was a bit of a different character altogether. We had been messaging for four months before me met. I did enjoy exchanging messages as he was very interesting and intelligent and I felt we developed quite a good friendship through those messages, but I was starting to think that he really only wanted a penfriend. To cut a long story short, we did have sex on the third occasion that we met. He was very passionate and I felt comfortable with him and felt we could have an ongoing friendship too. However, his attitude towards me changed after that day.  He reckoned he felt guilty and talked about how he was a very emotional person. I am somewhat sceptical to be honest given some of the things he previously said, but if he is speaking the truth then he can’t obviously handle the emotional side of no-strings sex. He knew exactly what he was doing and it was not for the first time either. My only feelings were ones of annoyance at him blowing hot and cold and a bit of sadness for loss of what I thought was a decent friendship.

So, although my experiences have been short-term so far,  I do believe that it is possible to have a long-term, no-strings sexual relationship with someone. It’s just finding the right person(s) with whom you have the right chemistry and a similar mindset! But, of course, feelings are unpredictable and I suppose it would be possible to develop emotional feelings, but if you don’t try the experience, you will never find out how you fare in this type of situation.  And as I don’t plan to be celibate for the rest of my life, I intend to continue to enjoy finding out!

See how other people answered here on the Food for Thought Friday blog

 

Wicked Wednesday#3: My First Time

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The prompt for Wicked Wednesday, this week, is Virginity.

I had sex for the first time at the age of 17, with my first ‘proper’ boyfriend, who was 21. He was a giant of a lad, who was 6’5″ and 20 stone, and played amateur rugby. I was a painfully shy and timid person at that age; I still am shy to some extent, but nothing like the person I was back then.

We had been going out for a few months before we had sex. He was very restrained from what I recall and apart from some groping and one attempt to put his hand in my knickers, we had not gone any further. However, I had started taking the pill in anticipation of the big event. He told me that he had never had sex with anyone else before, but I was always doubtful about that, as he was definitely a typical rugby player and a bit of a ‘lad’. Although, with me, he was always a gentle giant.

We were in his bedroom at his mum and dad’s house one Sunday afternoon, when I suddenly decided that today was going to be the day. ‘Make love to me’, I declared boldly.  I recall that statement quite vividly. So he did what I asked. I think there was very little foreplay, as I certainly was not wet and it was painful as he struggled to enter me.  I remember wondering when the fireworks and amazing sensations were going to start. They never came, but he did. Quite quickly.  It was all quite an anti-climax. I had been building up to this moment for so long, imagining all sorts of wonderful pleasures. I felt cheated somehow and was left wondering what all the fuss about sex was. This feeling was made worse by me not being too thrilled about the mess left afterwards, either.

I was quite naive about sex back then.  Sex education at home and at school had consisted of a brief description of how sex was a functional process for making babies. I knew, of course, from the media and listening to others, that it was also to be enjoyed, but I didn’t know anything about getting aroused beforehand. I thought that the magic ‘just happened’.

I was shortly to realise how pleasurable other forms of sex could be though. I can’t remember whether it was on the same day, or on another occasion, but he introduced me to the delights of oral sex.  Being naive, I thought that sex only happened when a man was on top of a woman. It was a complete revelation to me that anyone would use their mouth for sexual pleasure. But, I was overwhelmed with how good it felt and it was only a few days afterwards that I realised the sensations experienced were me being brought to orgasm with his tongue. After that, neither of us could get enough of oral sex. He loved going down on me as much as I enjoyed him doing it. I recall him being quite intrigued with how incredibly wet it made me.

Sadly, I have never encountered any further partners who were as willing and skilled with their tongue, or had the same ability to make me feel sexy and desired. Maybe, as an innocent 17-year-old, I was more relaxed. I didn’t have body confidence issues then and, surprisingly, for one so timid, I had no inhibitions in talking about sex with him and never felt self-conscious, as I knew his desire for my body and to pleasure me was genuine.

We felt incredibly grown-up when we bought the ‘Joy of Sex’ and its sequel and spent many happy hours experimenting with its various suggestions.My curiosity around sex was certainly awakened, and I realised that I had an exhibitionist streak, which he actively encouraged.

We went out for two years before, inevitably, the desire and sex waned. The relationship ended when I started my first full-time job and discovered what else life had to offer. But, I have always had a penchant for tall and well-built men ever since.

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A few words on the magic of daydreams

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I have always been a daydreamer. My school reports always said ‘… is a daydreamer’ or ‘spends too much time daydreaming’. And nothing has changed. I still while away hours, deep in thought,  daydreaming… wondering about what ifs, paths I wish I had chosen in life, missed opportunities …. The magic of daydreams is often so much better than the harsh realities of life.

One of the things I often daydream about is sex. I imagine being lusted after, being desired, being told I’m beautiful and sexy, having opportunities to try new experiences, being confident of my sexuality, feeling a stiff cock pressing in my back, driving someone crazy with desire… You get the picture.

I feel like I live in a fantasy world sometimes, as the reality is that none of this happens in my life at present.

But I am hopeful that the magic I daydream of will become reality soon enough. And I know that it’s only me that can make that magic happen. But it will happen.

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Wicked Wednesday: Monogamy

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I haven’t participated in Wicked Wednesday before, but when I saw the prompt of Monogamy, I felt I should put some of my thoughts down, as it is a subject that is very much on my mind at the moment.

A couple of months ago, I wrote a blog post about the lack of sex in my marriage, which is due to a number of reasons. In that post, I considered whether non-monogamy might be the way forward for our marriage. I read a great deal around this subject before suggesting it as a possibility. I subsequently posted an update on my blog, following discussion of the issues with my husband. To summarise, we have very different sexual desires, including his immense dislike of any type of oral sex, and he has no interest in sex at the present time. This is a paragraph from the update.

One constant throughout has been his appreciation of my frankness and honesty. But, he admitted that he can’t provide me with sexual fulfilment and acknowledged our differences in that respect. Consequently, he has given me freedom to seek other sexual partners if I feel the need for fulfilment, However, for him, sex is not a priority at present.’

Following that discussion, which was two months ago,  we have not discussed the matter again, and I think perhaps that has been a mistake on my part. I felt quite emotionally drained after the last discussion, and it took some time for me to accept my new situation.

Our day-to-day lives seemed to get back to normal pretty quickly, and it is almost as though nothing has changed. But, I am conscious that it has.

Incidentally, we usually communicate well on all other aspects of life and marriage, and used to communicate well regarding sex. He has a huge amount of freedom to pursue his technical interests and I never complain about the amount of time he spends on them. I know a lot of women would not be quite as tolerant. But it is important to have flexibility and give-and-take in a marriage, and I think that applies to monogamy too. Particularly when desires and needs in a relationship are poles apart.

The thing that is playing on my mind the most is setting some guidelines for the arrangement to work. I had planned to raise the matter for discussion again this week, but each time I went to say something,  I stopped myself.  I know this sounds ridiculous as I have done the hard bit in raising the subject initially, which he was appreciative of. I don’t want to be deceitful, so it is important that I know if he wants me to tell him if I have made arrangements to meet someone, or whether he would prefer that I kept things to myself. I know that the key to any type of open relationship is communication, communication, communication!

I am worried that raising it again will hurt and distress him. But the silly thing is that he prefers plain talking. and I suspect he might think I have already had meetings given his consent in our last discussion. I think the new ‘elephant in the room’ might be caused by me feeling guilty.

I contemplated forgetting the whole idea, but I really want, and need, some passion, and to experience being desired again. I know that if I keep avoiding the matter and it does end up forgotten, I will deeply regret a  missed opportunity.

 

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