Assumptions on safe sex


Safe sex is a phrase that is commonplace these days and something that most people who have sex, or are thinking of having sex, or wishing they were having sex know the meaning of and understand. Or perhaps not. Or maybe they think it’s not that important and  contracting an STI is something that only happens to other people. I don’t want to play Russian roulette with my health, so I would never consider having sex with a new partner without using condoms. Especially in the domain of non-mongamous relationships.

I recently met a man whom I got on well with, and who seemed very taken with me. He is a decent, mature,respectable and seemingly sensible person, who is in a prominent position of  work. We exchanged several messages.  We met for coffee. A couple of weeks later, we met for lunch. Then a dinner date. It was an unspoken fact that we would return to his nearby flat after this third meeting.. Wanting to be prepared, I had my own condoms in my bag. Just in case. As I did not assume that he would have his own supply, although I would have been surprised if he hadn’t. And, of course,it went without saying  that he would practise safe sex.Or so I thought.

I learned that night not to assume anything. Without warning and very suddenly, he decided to try to penetrate me without a condom. I stopped him from doing so the second I realised what was happening. I said, very clearly, ‘not without a condom’. My intervention seemed to deflate matters at that moment but, later on,  he did rubber up, from his own supply, and without question.  I put his faux-pas down to over-excitement in the heat of the moment, and didn’t make an issue of it.

We met again, two weeks later, for a dinner date at his flat. Again, I went prepared. And there would be no repeat of the previous indiscretion, as I had made my feelings quite clear. How wrong I was. The same thing happened again. And I realised  that it was a deliberate act and not to be blamed on over-excitement. Again, I repeated, ‘not without a condom’. This time, he resisted. ‘Just for a bit – I like skin-on-skin contact‘, was the reply. ‘NO’, I assertively told him. I asked what his aversion was to using condoms. He replied that it was the reduced sensations and losing the moment when putting them on.. I ended up lecturing him on STIs and how you can’t tell by looking whether people have any nasty diseases etc. The kind of thing you might have to explain to a naive teenager.  He remained blasé about it and I was, very subtly, made to feel like I was over-reacting and being way too cautious. He never asked about my sexual history or whether I was using any form of female contraception (I am), so for all he knew there might have been a possibility of me getting pregnant, had I let him continue.   I knew that he had been sexually active during the last few months, so it was ultra-important to me that we used protection. I was left feeling annoyed and  disappointed in his attitude and the night was definitely spoiled. Needless to say, I haven’t heard from him since. Nor do I want to.

I am still amazed how a very intelligent man can show so much naivety and disregard for practising safe sex. The more I think about it, the more annoyed I get that he thought he could try ‘bareback’ again, despite me not consenting previously. I am particularly cross with myself for making assumptions, but I have learned a lesson from this in that not all men are going to adopt  a sensible approach to safe sex.  In future, condoms will be bluntly discussed at the coffee stage, and not on reaching the bedroom.

I am interested to hear others’ thoughts on this subject.

18 thoughts on “Assumptions on safe sex

  1. mornystannitblog

    Amazing isn’t it that the message hasn’t got through? In the early 90s I worked as a volunteer on a HIV advice line and had a casual liaison with one of my colleagues. She only let me use condoms reluctantly and couldn’t believe it when I insisted.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You clearly and unambiguously stated your views, to have tried it the first time was highly disrespectful, selfish and arrogant. To try it the second time borders on attempted rape. Possibly alarmist and over-reactionary, but not too far from it in my book.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hmm interesting post. As a past swinger, and a friend to a single woman who is quite promiscuous, I find your views on safe sex a refreshing change. I must admit I’ve never worn a condom, my ex never asked a guy to wear one and my friend never makes the guys put one on, and she is fucking 4/5 guys fairly regular, so I’m guessing your guy was not used to wearing a rubber…however by insisting the second time when he knew you were pro safe sex he showed his narcissistic and selfish side.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s smart and it’s not too much to ask either. I admit to letting things get away from me with a partner or two and have and the freak outs after. You can’t be too safe and it says a lot about him that he’d put you at risk on more than one occasion knowingly

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Amen to that!!! I have had the same experience. Having unprotected sex with a new partner is a huge risk. STI’s can have serious consequences and ‘skin on skin’ is definitely not a good enough reason to risk getting an STI. I think it is disgraceful that some men try to penetrate women without putting on a condom and without discussing it with them. Great to see you are raising awareness about such a great issue.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Kilted Wookie (@Kilted_Wookie)

    It’s a bizarre one to me. Yes, sure, I’ve had non-condom relationships, but only after trust has been built up. For a casual encounter with a new partner, annoying as they are, there is no question of not using them; it really shouldn’t even need to be up for debate in my opinion.


    Liked by 1 person

  7. I completely agree with all that you have written here as well as the comments. Still after all of these years indulging in ‘community play” 😉 I really do find it both bewildering and mystifying about mens attitudes to condoms.

    This post contains probably one of the most bizarre attitudes:

    and as exciting as this night was:

    why would any male go to a swingers club and no have any condoms about them?? Sadly I still don’t know the answer, but what I do know is that YSL takes great delight in being the ‘cockblocker’ in these situations and the look of shock in a split second where they go from having a smiling face and looking forward to entry to being told and then manically looking around the room asking for a condom (which invariably nobody wishes to donate to this emergency cause) whilst their erection waves around and of course they are getting worried about it is going down.

    They usually have to get one from the bar of the club that is usually downstairs somewhere and I’m sure that they are constantly worried that they have ‘lost their turn’, play has ended, they might not be able to revive their erection and so forth, but hey, how about using some common sense and none of this would have occured in the first place.

    There’ll always be males who don’t take the lesson, so in turn we should inconvenience them for our own amusement.

    Great blog BTW, I’m loving reading it!! xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Miss Scarlet

      I’m amazed and shaking my head in disbelief at the attitudes of the guys in your posts. It really does beggar belief. And I’m sorry you were upset by the first guy. I think I would be too. I’ve come across similar attitudes since I wrote that post.

      Thanks for taking the time to read and comment so comprehensively and for being so complimentary about my blog x


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