Wicked Wednesday: Monogamy

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I haven’t participated in Wicked Wednesday before, but when I saw the prompt of Monogamy, I felt I should put some of my thoughts down, as it is a subject that is very much on my mind at the moment.

A couple of months ago, I wrote a blog post about the lack of sex in my marriage, which is due to a number of reasons. In that post, I considered whether non-monogamy might be the way forward for our marriage. I read a great deal around this subject before suggesting it as a possibility. I subsequently posted an update on my blog, following discussion of the issues with my husband. To summarise, we have very different sexual desires, including his immense dislike of any type of oral sex, and he has no interest in sex at the present time. This is a paragraph from the update.

One constant throughout has been his appreciation of my frankness and honesty. But, he admitted that he can’t provide me with sexual fulfilment and acknowledged our differences in that respect. Consequently, he has given me freedom to seek other sexual partners if I feel the need for fulfilment, However, for him, sex is not a priority at present.’

Following that discussion, which was two months ago,  we have not discussed the matter again, and I think perhaps that has been a mistake on my part. I felt quite emotionally drained after the last discussion, and it took some time for me to accept my new situation.

Our day-to-day lives seemed to get back to normal pretty quickly, and it is almost as though nothing has changed. But, I am conscious that it has.

Incidentally, we usually communicate well on all other aspects of life and marriage, and used to communicate well regarding sex. He has a huge amount of freedom to pursue his technical interests and I never complain about the amount of time he spends on them. I know a lot of women would not be quite as tolerant. But it is important to have flexibility and give-and-take in a marriage, and I think that applies to monogamy too. Particularly when desires and needs in a relationship are poles apart.

The thing that is playing on my mind the most is setting some guidelines for the arrangement to work. I had planned to raise the matter for discussion again this week, but each time I went to say something,  I stopped myself.  I know this sounds ridiculous as I have done the hard bit in raising the subject initially, which he was appreciative of. I don’t want to be deceitful, so it is important that I know if he wants me to tell him if I have made arrangements to meet someone, or whether he would prefer that I kept things to myself. I know that the key to any type of open relationship is communication, communication, communication!

I am worried that raising it again will hurt and distress him. But the silly thing is that he prefers plain talking. and I suspect he might think I have already had meetings given his consent in our last discussion. I think the new ‘elephant in the room’ might be caused by me feeling guilty.

I contemplated forgetting the whole idea, but I really want, and need, some passion, and to experience being desired again. I know that if I keep avoiding the matter and it does end up forgotten, I will deeply regret a  missed opportunity.

 

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24 thoughts on “Wicked Wednesday: Monogamy

  1. I had a similar chat with my Mrs about 11yrs ago. She made it clear the subject was off limits. I found it impossible to reopen the conversation.
    I’m not good at advice but I suppose if you can you should. But if you can’t, it’s not your fault

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  2. You just need to be brave for twenty seconds. To open the new dialogue. Twenty seconds and you will be able to talk it out, and work out the details. At which point I think the guilt you’re feeling will disapate because you’ll know what is okay.

    Twenty seconds of bravery. You can do it. 😀 xxx

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  3. You know what I found was the most difficult thing about embarking on our “journey” over 30 years ago? It was making that very first admission to my Hubby . . . that very first “confession” . . . that very first conversation. (We will always both remember forever the song that he was playing on the stereo when I tearfully blurted out my “guilty secret”).
    BUT, you have already had that conversation!!!
    I think the “key” to ANY good relationship, be it emotional, physical, sexual, marital . . . is good communication..
    You have already made that first communication, I would urge that you not let it go. You never know where it may lead (even perhaps for the both of you!!!).
    Xxx – K

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  4. Maybe you are making it more difficult on yourself than it should be. I have done the same over here, with a totally different matter, wanting to discuss it with my husband but I kept on avoiding it, because I thought he was angry with me or I would hurt him if I start about it again. Then, just this morning, it just happened to enter a conversation and I realized that I could have talked to him weeks ago, because he wasn’t angry at all. Back then he agreed to something and in my own mind I added that he was angry or disappointed, which he wasn’t. I made it more difficult for myself than it should’ve been. So my advice will be to just go ahead and discuss it with him as many times as you feel necessary. It seems like he wants to give you the room and that is wonderful!

    Welcome to Wicked Wednesday 🙂

    Rebel xox

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  5. I really hope you can bring up the conversation again, it is important that you explore the need to fulfil your desires. If you opt not to seek the sexual element that is missing from your life, it may end up destroying the relationship you currently enjoy with your husband as you will feel he is to blame. if he is happy for you to seek other partners, go for it, as he has made it clear it will be ok with him.

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  6. After last summers disastrous steps into non-monogamy I’ve been emotionally torn to pieces. I wanted to revisit those conversations but I just couldn’t. This prompt was the perfect opportunity, I wrote down a whole confused list of how I felt about a whole range of feelings, anger, jealousy etc. Knowing it was a mess and I couldn’t post it like that I gave it to Sir to read. He helped me re-rewrite it and was angry I hadn’t spoken to him sooner. I’m now so much happier about myself and us having done so.

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  7. Oh my goodness, I’m so in this same boat and can relate so much! We haven’t actually given each other the go-ahead, but he told me to say when and we would. Now, I’m afraid of broaching the subject because the conversations have been hurtful in the past, and I feel guilty for wanting something that he doesn’t.

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  8. Fear is a self-limiting factor, for sure, I know I struggle to bring things up with Sir and it’s fear of the unknown or fear of the possibilities that keep me from being able to communicate.
    I think, in your case, as ModestyAblaze said, you’ve already made that terrifying first step, had that conversation, and I believe you’ll only become more frustrated if you leave it as the elephant. Being brave takes a huge leap of faith, and I hope you do find the strength to work through this and find a solution that works for you both.

    Monogamy isn’t a black and white issue, emotions, needs, desires are all incredibly complex. JUst bear that in mind before you allow guilt to guide you
    xxx

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  9. Hmm an interesting conundrum, I didn’t have the exact same problem, I in fact wanted my ex to have sex with other guys, but we both agreed that I would be the one to find her partners, and once agreed, there would be an exchanging of numbers etc, then it was up to them…but we only ever met up or hosted as a couple, even if I was having zero participation. To be honest if your husband really was into the cuckold lifestyle I would have thought he would have pursued the subject with more interest!

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  10. Kilted Wookie (@Kilted_Wookie)

    This is one where I am very fortunate to be in a relationship with someone who was already openly non-monogamous when we met. We can be completely open and honest about our encounters with others. I’m not sure if it helps that we don’t live together and really only get together for sex, but there are no issues with either of us having other partners.

    That said, when she “misvehaves” it does give me a very good reason to administer a suitable level of discipline.

    KW

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